I Change My Reality

I remember feeling betrayed by someone, that I didn’t really care that much about and I remember the intensity of negative feeling I had about the person. The person I was upset with, triggered something in me and I knew the way I felt was irrational.

I worked to “release” the irrational and uncomfortable feeling that had been triggered, from my soul and body and I did what was to become the exercise we are going to do today.

Doing this exercise I recognized the very powerful feeling was from no experience of my own but from a feeling I picked up from my father.

My father’s feeling of fear of caring about people came from caring about people and then being put in a concentration camp.

It was difficult to understand (before doing this exercise many years ago) that my father’s feelings from a concentration camp had become mine.

My father lost his family to the Nazi’s, it was a real event for him.

Each time my father told me about his feelings I empathized with them deeply and felt the change come over me as if it became night.

My father would also become cold and distant, or suddenly angry.

I remember my father driving away if I did not get in the car fast enough, leaving me in dangerous places when I was a very young child.

I also remember my father often telling me he hoped that someday I would look less like a monster and more human.

My father had horrible feelings and would tell me it was because of me.

When my father would push me away or become abusive to me, I would  feel my father’s feeling,…just as if it were my own feeling  inside me and feel how he felt about me while he had a toxic feeling….I felt the feeling my father had about me so deeply, it was at times the way I felt about myself.

The feeling my father had came into me and instead of feeling upset with my father, I felt ugly and bad in my body.

I was uncomfortable caring about myself because paying attention to myself brought up my father’s feelings about me, so I avoided thinking about myself.

When I had feelings of love because someone loved me,  I would feel happy and then… I would suddenly feel strong emotions that were uncomfortable to feel. I would pretend not to have upsetting emotions but I could not stop feeling weird feelings that made no sense.  I would end up pushing someone away to stop feeling uncomfortable, because I had no control of how bad I felt.

I did not realize it at the time but I was more comfortable with someone that did not pay attention to me, even though I wanted very much to feel loved.

Because I loved and needed my father and I was just a small child, I had no idea that my father was pushing me away for the same reason I would later push others away….because we felt uncomfortable when we felt our own emotions and feelings about ourselves.

My father was projecting feelings on me, that the years of abuse from Nazi guards created, feelings he tried to hide.

My father’s feelings, that came into me made me feel horrible, I was not able to look in the mirror without feeling a stomach ache, I was insecure and I imagined if I felt attractive, I would be happier.

I did all kinds of things to feel better. I did bodybuilding and got a standing ovation at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium but would not take off my shirt afterward for pictures because it made me feel weird. I learned A Course in Miracles and even taught the class but it did nothing to help me, after twelve years of therapy I had lots of sessions of crying but still felt the same about myself, I won dance contests all over L.A. and was told I was attractive but I never felt I was attractive.

I did the following exercise out of desperation and it was a miracle how quickly and easily it worked. I instantly felt as though the feeling had been”taken off of me.” I felt better than someone telling me, “sorry that was not about you, I was in a bad mood and I was still upset from a fight I had before you got here,” but it was one million times more powerful.

The exercise works because the feeling inside us, is not something we should even have, it is like a big turd in us.

When we feel the feeling as a huge toxic feeling that belonged to someone else, that was put in us without our consent, we can also let the feeling go.

While we have the file open that the toxic feeling was in, we can also add information to the same file about the value and meaning of the toxic feeling that was not ours. We can add an understanding that the feeling was erroneous and harmful to us and not appropriate to our life. What we are doing is similar to editing a video tape about us and removing the other person we didn’t want in the video.

At the time we got the feeling it was something we picked up and used, to help us navigate in the real world. Now that we know this toxic feeling is not from our own experience but from a parents experience and makes our lives worse not better, we can reduce the significance of the feeling for us, so it does not alter our brain, autonomic nervous system, smooth muscles, blood pressure or perceptions.

When I let go of my father’s feelings in me, I also let go of what kept me from opening my heart. I am able to care about myself and  I am able to feel someone’s love and feel safe too.

That is why I named this website “I change reality,” because I changed my reality when I worked on what was inside me and I know you are reading this because you will change your reality for the better too.

To be our authentic selves we want to remove feelings of sadness, insecurity, fear and anger that someone put in us, that are their feelings about themselves.

We are going to look at the deep feelings that other’s may call our “unconscious” but in reality, may just be someone”s feelings about themselves that we have operating in us. The feelings of someone else that have come into us, may be much more powerful than our own feelings and because they are so strong, they can change how we feel and behave.

The feelings that came into us from someone else, will not be “unconscious” for us after the exercise. We will be conscious of the feeling and aware of it as not our own, so we can stop reacting to it and ignore it. We will not react to the feeling after the exercise.

Normally an emotionally healthy parent or person that we depend on, would protect us from their toxic feelings.

The parent that hurts us emotionally, may feel insecure or angry but they should not have made us feel the same way they felt.

We were not insecure or afraid of being loved before someone’s toxic feelings about themselves came into us.

We took in feelings that we do not understand because they do not fit us.

Today we will remove these toxic feelings and experience our own authentic life.

How did we get conditioned to have the same feelings about ourselves our parents had about themselves?

Some cats are taught by their mother to be afraid of people even if they are being fed and cared for by people and it may be because their mother got hurt or abandoned by a person.

If a kitten goes to a person to be loved and the mother cat fears people, she will get upset with the kitten and hurt the kitten so the kitten becomes conditioned to feel fear when it goes to a person.

A kitten does not need to actually have an experience of a person that hurts the kitten for a kitten to be afraid if the parent cat puts their feelings in the kitten, they just identify with their parents feelings and become conditioned by them.

Most people that feel insecure, have no experience other than perhaps not being comforted by a parent, to feel fear of love.

If a  parent or someone we trusted was upset about being hurt by someone they loved, their toxic feelings about themselves could easily be passed to us, particularly if they wanted us to empathize with them. Many people grow up to be just like their parents because of this, no matter what they do to be different.

When or if we feel a sudden overwhelming impulse of fear, insecurity, anger or any reaction that does not fit with who we are, it is usually because of someone’s powerful old toxic feelings, not our own.

If a reaction we had was because of an old experience it would not be as powerful as an old toxic feeling we adopted. If we had an old experience that created a reaction, we  would remember the experience and understand where the feeling came from.

I am holding a feral cat I took in two weeks ago while I am writing this.  The cat loves batting at things that move on the screen. I know the cat likes being held too because it purrs like crazy. We all deserve to experience how lovable we are.

Emotional and physical release exercise:

A) Emotional preparation:

If we feel some feeling that we believe, SOMEONE MADE US FEEL! and the feeling was not a conscious decision but it was a powerful reaction that HAPPENED TO US! This is a feeling we want to work on because we do not have “a conscious connection to an experience that created the feeling” or “an experience of it as our own from our memories of experiences.”

This powerful feeling that belonged to someone else and reactions that it creates in us can take control of our lives.

Because someone put the feeling in us, when we experience the feeling again it will feel as though someone else is making us feel this way!

This feeling that was someone’s toxic feeling and is now a part of us, is what we want to experience in this exercise so we are going to bring it up.

This feeling can be jealousy, anger, pushing love away, self destructiveness…we will do one today and we can do the exercise again for each one of these.

We are going to connect to the feeling that creates our reaction or sadness or depression and  understand it on a gut level as not being ours! We are going to experience the feeling strongly and just as strongly we are going to understand and experience the feeling as something  that belongs to someone else, that we regret feeling and do not ever again want to feel inside of us because it is not about us….and as we understand the feeling is making us sick, we are going to puke it out.

B) Preparation of area to do the exercise:

Get towels, a plastic bat, a mat to kneel on, something you can hit with the bat, a bucket and Kleenex.

C) Doing the exercise:

Step One:

We are going to scream, yell and hit something to get to both the toxic feeling we have as well as a feeling we are powerful up. We want the feeling of anger and power so we do not feel overwhelmed by the toxic feeling but have the strength to push it off and out of us.

Step Two:

We will hit something and get upset about the feeling being put in us and as we do we will feel the feeling more deeply. We can cry or scream as well at this time but keep it short it is not our feeling we are just bringing it up….

Step Three:

Start screaming “Get the fuck out of me! or Get the fuck off of me! or Fuck you take this back asshole!  or This is not me it is not my fucking feeling!” and as you yell experience the feeling as something separate from you, something like feces or puke…

Now just make a noise and no words, focus on the feeling and push it up and out from your guts. Moan or make the sound you need to make as loud and long as you need to get the toxic feeling that belongs to someone else, out of you.

Step Four:

Get on your hands and knees over the bucket, yell and push the feeling that is sickening and not part of you out by squeezing deep in your guts and moving the feeling out towards your mouth while spitting into the bucket.

Continue pushing the feeling out of you until clear liquid comes out when spit and keep spitting and pushing until you puke a little into the bucket, if you can.

The entire exercise should take about 20 minutes, so this part of the exercise where you spit into a bucket and get the poison that was put into you back out, should take no more than 5 minutes.

Step Five:

When the feeling is completely out of you, relax and let go of it. Take a few deep breathes and feel your body lighten. Now go out and have a wonderful time.

You will experience nature or anything with a vibrancy and beauty that you could only experience being on drugs before.

Try not to have any negative experiences for the next eight hours, because on the microscopic level the new memory is hardening into a lasting memory….a memory of this feeling not being about you.

Step Six:

If the feeling comes up again do the exercise again.