Body Language

In a recent experiment, men were asked to rank how attractive they found photographs of different women’s faces. The photos were eight by ten inches, and showed women facing the camera or turned in three-quarter profile. Unbeknownst to the men, in half the photos the eyes of the women were dilated, and in the other half, they were not.The men were consistently more attracted to the women with dilated eyes. Remarkable, the men had no insight into their decision making. None of them said, “I noticed her pupils were two millimeters larger in this photo than in this other one.” Instead, they simply felt more drawn toward some women than other, for reasons they couldn’t quite put a finger on.

So who was doing the choosing? In the largely inaccessible workings of the brain, something knew that a woman’s dilated eyes correlates with sexual excitement and readiness. Their brains knew this, but the men in the study didn’t — at least not explicitly.

We are not all mind readers but we are all brain readers. We are influenced by how others feel, this happens automatically and it is not necessary to be conscious of this. When we are talking to a loved one and they see something they like, their pupils dilate. When a loved one’s pupils dilate, we experience the excitement they feel because of empathy. Empathy developed before language in a part of our brain that controls the many automatic processes within us such as attraction or fear. Even mice feel empathy.

What happens inside of us automatically changes what is happening in the brains of those around us. I have heard 60% of what people communicate is non-verbal. How we feel, has a great influence over others. People get how we feel. They feel it too.

A woman looked at my lips and then into my eyes, I noticed her pupils dilate. She did not have to say a word. I silently gasped. My brain had released neurotransmitters, dopamine and nor epinephrine, these gave a feeling of excitement and heightened perception.

Even when we do not touch, we feel each other. I continued to talk with the lovely woman and noticed she had more pupil dilation because her brain noticed my pupils, even though she was listening to what I was saying and thinking of a response. Now her brain was producing the same chemistry and response, I was having automatically. This is natural.

We continued to talk and as we felt each other more, we released endorphins and enkephalins, these powerful natural narcotics gave us a sense of comfort, safety and well-being.

The process of facial recognition and body language is something that speaks many volumes. We understand how a person is feeling by observing where circulation is in their face and by many other things we get, many are beyond what I can explain in this short blog. In experiments it has been shown that our heart rate and skin conductance change seconds “before” we are presented with a stimuli.

We may want to improve how we feel about ourselves in relationships with others. How can we separate which feelings are our own and which feelings belong to others, if we are not able to feel good ourselves?  Do we understand how much we are affected by the feelings of others? If we are uncomfortable with ourselves, if we are insecure about the way we feel about ourselves because we have some shame or we do not feel beautiful, we may be with others that feel this way themselves and we may think it is our feeling.

I have been in a room full of Hollywood stars and celebrities that looked incredible because of how much attention they gave to their appearance. I thought my insecurities were heightened being with them. It was not my insecurities I was feeling but their insecurities. My insecurity made it hard for me to recognize who the feeling belonged to.

When I removed my insecurities, I could feel comfortable and feel others that felt insecure and be helpful to them.

It is important for us to feel good about ourselves if we are empathic and caring. There are many narcissists that do not want to feel their feelings, yet we are able to feel their feelings inside us no matter.

We can change how we feel about ourselves and when we do, we will have the ability to distinguish between someone else’s feelings and our own.

When we have clarity about how we see ourselves, it is like learning to float, we are not struggling with the energy of others because it does not need to worry us, we can choose what feelings we want to immerse ourselves in. I choose love and respect.